Am I moving forward in recovery or falling back into codependency?

I often find myself wrestling with thoughts about where I am in recovery.

When I agree to something I’m indifferent about, is it because I’m truly indifferent or am I falling back into codependent patterns?

photo credit: jeffkAm

When a family member or friend appears to need help, by inserting myself into the situation, am I truly helping them or I am doing what comes natural to me - fixing and controlling?

Where is the balance?

How do I know that I have found it?

These are the questions I ask myself that show I’m missing the point.

When I struggle with finding the answer - I’m forcing my will into the situation.

Instead of taking a step back and listening to my Higher Power’s will, I’m trying too hard to control the outcome.

It’s times like theses that I really need to clear my head, slow things down and listen.

I have a choice - I can either insert myself into every situation around me or I can let things unfold.

I’ve tried inserting myself into every situation - that is the controlling side of me, the codependent. This approach often leads to frustration and resentments.

When I let things unfold, let my Higher Power’s will play out - I am usually pleasantly surprised.

Even if things don’t go exactly as I would have wanted, I haven’t given my energy away, the resentments aren’t there.

Step 3 of the 12 steps reads; made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.

The question I should be asking myself isn’t whether or not I’m on the path of recovery or slipping back into codependency - I should be asking myself if I’m practicing Step 3.

If I am, the rest will take care of itself.

What I like about my recovery program is that it is about progress and not perfection.

I will undoubtedly fall back into old behaviors from time to time. The difference today is that I have the tools to keep moving forward - to being a healthier me.

Do you have a topic you would liked discussed on Loving An Alcoholic?

Would you like to have your experience and words of encouragement posted? Send me your thoughts:

 support@lovinganalcoholic.com

As I will leave each post; If you, or someone you know, loves an alcoholic or addict, I would encourage you to find a local Al-Anon 12 step meeting to attend.

This is your first step towards healing.

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The path of recovery, for me, includes attending Al-anon meetings and reading literature. Lots and lots of reading. It is this process that allows me to get my head in the right place.

My recovery program also requires self discovery and the willingness to accept my shortcomings.

After all it is my personal shortcomings or defects of character that sidetrack me from being the person I want to be - happy, healthy and loving.

It is the pulling back of the layers of the onion - all of the little white lies I tell myself to make me believe that I am the person I want to be. Instead of the little white lies, to truly be the person I want to be, I should make an honest assessment of myself and work to make the necessary changes.

photo credit: Autumn Welles

Prior to starting my recovery through Al-anon, I wouldn’t have known what codependency was. As I attended more and more meetings, I found that many of the stories - many of the personalities were similar to mine.

I kept hearing these personality traits refered to as codependent but wasn’t real thrilled that I had become a label. To me, I felt that being a - insert label - was a bad thing and I wasn’t a “bad” person.

Well, the reality is that being codependent doesn’t make me a “bad” person, just the opposite, my character defect drives me to go out of my way to be a “good” person - to a point that it is a detriment to me and those who “depend” on me.

I decided to do some research on what exactly codependency means. Conceptually I had a grasp, through discussion, but I never actually heard this label defined.

Codependence or codependency is a concept popularized by 12 step program advocates ( guess that’s why I hadn’t heard of the concept prior to attending Al-anon).

A codependent  is loosely defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for persons who depend on him or her (yep, that sounds familiar).

Codependence can also be a set of compulsive behaviors learned by family members in order to survive in a family which is experiencing great emotional pain and stress caused, for example, by a family member’s alcoholism or other additions (if only I take better care of the kids, keep the house cleaner, take the stress of my wife - maybe she’ll stop drinking!).

Symptoms of codependency include a controlling behavior (check), distrust, perfectionism (check), avoidance of feeling (check - unless you mean irritability - that is a feeling I don’t avoid!), excessive care taking (check), hypervigilence (yep - check), or physical illness related to stress (been there - check).

So now I know what codepence is - now what?

Step 3 of the 12 steps of Al-anon and Alcoholics Anonymous provides me some guidance;

“Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him”.

I don’t need to be the controlling, hypervigilant perfectionist I’ve described. I need to take a step back, to chill out a bit and give my family and loved ones the respect they deserve and the opportunity to achieve and fail on there own.

It takes work to pull back the layers of the onion - to make an honest assessment of yourself. It also takes work to correct years of “bad” behaviors - but those corrections can be made if I start today.

Do you have a topic you would liked discussed on Loving An Alcoholic? Would you like to have your experience and words of encouragement posted?

Send me your thoughts: support@lovinganalcoholic.com

As I will leave each post; If you, or someone you know, loves an alcoholic or addict, I would encourage you to find a local Al-Anon 12 step meeting to attend. This is your first step towards healing.

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Today’s reading is from November 15, page 320 of Courage to Change - One Day at a Time in Al-Anon II. You can find this book under the “Literature” tab.

Today has been a good day. I spent time with my kids, my wife spent her morning at AA meetings and I’m looking forward to hanging out with some friends tonight. I decided to work on Loving An Alcoholic this afternoon and found that some changes I made ended up deleting the “I recommend” tab previously to the left. Although I am sure I will figure out how to correct this problem, I found myself starting to get frustrated - so I decided to do - what I do when I start to lose my serenity, I picked up Courage to Change (previously found in the “I recommend” tab….LOL!).

Today’s reading talks about our perception of other peoples actions towards us. One of the first common threads that became clear to me in Al-anon was the abundance of codependency that follows my of us loving family members. If my wife had a few days of sobriety - well I was in a GREAT place. If I thought she may be drinking, I was devastated. There was no middle ground. I was on the roller coaster and it all rose and fell based on my alcoholic.

By realizing my own faults, it has helped me put things in perspective. I can’t control my wife’s drinking and I can’t be healthy if I tie my moods to her actions. I can only be healthy and seek serenity if I focus on myself. How I feel today independent of anyone else.

If my wife is drinking is it because of something I did? Of course not, it is because of something she is feeling inside. If a co-worker is short with me does it have anything to do with me? Most likely not, perhaps they are having a stressful day. If my kids roll their eyes is it because they love me any less? No, they are just being kids.

Next time you carry the hurt of someone else’s actions, ask yourself how important is it? Let go and let God.

As I will leave each post - If you, or someone you know, loves an alcoholic or addict, I would encourage you to find a local Al-Anon meeting to attend. This is your first step towards healing.

You can find information on Al-Anon and Alcoholics Anonymous under the “Resources” tab.