Step 4 asks us to make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Scary stuff, huh?

After all, for me, the codependent behaviors that I developed throughout my life were intended to do just the opposite - to keep me from looking at myself by focusing on everyone else.

After years of focusing on others, it can be hard take a step back and reconnect with ourselves.

Step 4 allows us to identify our defects of character - for me, these were the behaviors that came to the forefront as I dealt with my wife’s drinking:

I was able to see clearly that I had become codependent. My self worth would rise and fall through the peaks and valleys as my wife would slide in and out of recovery.

The value I placed in being able to control situations moved from a strength to a weakness - my controlling nature was simply a symptom of my self doubt and fear.

My quick temper and irritability was just another ugly tool I would use to try to manipulate the situation.

What I’ve found as I’ve traveled down the path of personal recovery, is the character defects that were magnified during my time of dispair had always been there at some level.

I struggle with them today.

The difference for me, is that today with the help of the Steps, I can identify these behaviors when they begin to surface, and today - I have the tools to find healthier ways to express my feelings.

I have healthier alternatives to being me.

I’m not always successful - fortunately for me, this is a program of progress not perfection.

The following are Step 4 related quotes from Courage To Change - One Day At A Time In Al-Anon II.

“We all wish good things to happen to us, but we can not just pray and then sit down and expect miracles to happen. We must back up our prayers with action.”- Freedom From Despair

“Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised.” - American Proverb

“If a man happens to find himself…….he has a mansion which he can inhabit with dignity all the days of his life.” - James Michener

“You never find yourself until you face the truth.”- Hui-neng

“All progress must grow for a seed of self appreciation.”- The Dillemma of an Alcoholic Marraige

“The important thing is not to stop questioning.” - Albert Einstein

“He that respects himself is safe from others; he wears a coat of mail that no one can pierce.” - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Would you like to have your experience and words of encouragement posted?

Send me your thoughts: support@lovinganalcoholic.com

As I will leave each post; If you, or someone you know, loves an alcoholic or addict, I would encourage you to find a local Al-Anon 12 step meeting to attend. This is your first step towards healing.

 Step 4 in the Alanon & Alcoholics Anonymous 12 step program asks us to make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

What a scary thought!

If someone where to ask me what kind of a person I am, and I were to answer honestly, I would say that I am a good person. I was raised to take other’s needs into consideration, to go out of my way to help others, to sacrifice if necessary.

These traits, which I feel make me a good person, also lead to many of my resentments.

If I take a searching and fearless moral inventory, I realize that by putting others needs in front of my own has led me into a pattern of codependency.

Isn’t it amazing how alcoholics and addicts are able to find us so easily?

photo credit: jhartney

My codependent traits led me to believe that if I put all of my focus and energy into getting my wife sober - presto - she’d be sober. What thinking like this did was drain me emotionally and spiritually as my wife relapsed time and time again. It also prevented her from hitting her bottom as I was constantly there to help her fix the messes she was making along the way.

How true is this?

Today I have a better understanding of my patterns and traits that can get in the way of my serenity. One of which is expectations. As I find myself getting frustrated by a situation, I ask myself what my expectations were and whether or not I had the right to put my expectations on someone else.

I practice not having expectations and my life has become much more serene. Today I have an easier time letting life happen on life’s terms. I am not perfect and I do take steps backwards but I now have the tools to understand my character defects and the affects they have on me and my loved ones. I also have the tools to understand that my 12 step program in Alanon is about progress and not perfection.

As I will leave each post; If you, or someone you know, loves an alcoholic or addict, I would encourage you to find a local Alanon 12 step meeting to attend. This is your first step towards healing.

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