Alcoholism - The complexities of understanding both sides of the family disease.
My wife is the alcoholic in my life.
I understand the peaks and valleys of emotion that go along with loving an alcoholic.
I recognize that my story is similar to that of other’s who have family members or loved one’s that are alcoholics or addicts.
I can relate to other codependents who feel they need to be in control - to fix - or everything will fall apart.
I appreciate hearing stories of hope and encouragement along with the personal growth that goes along with recovery - recovery of the family member or loved one coping with an other’s alcoholism or addiction.
What I don’t have experience in is the view from the other side. That of the alcoholic or addict. To add an additional layer of complexity - or that of an alcoholic or addict coping with alcoholism or addiction of their loved one.
I was discussing this with a friend of mine last week. I was interested in how an alcoholic, who is intimately familiar with the disease, copes with a loved on who is struggling with sobriety.
With permission, I’m going to share some insight I gained through this conversation with my friend Dan K.
I’ve known Dan for a few years now, that is, as a member of Al-Anon. It wasn’t until recently that I realized Dan was also a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. Dan had struggled with alcoholism and has a little over 8 years of sobriety.
The alcoholic in Dan’s life is his wife, who has struggled with sobriety but for today - she is sober.
Listening to Dan, segments of his story are similar to mine - others are unique due to his previous experience with alcoholism and addiction.
Dan and I both felt we could fix our loved ones.
If we only loved them more, made their lives easier, showed them the path, forced them into recovery.
We both saw our resentments grow as these attempts ended in failure.
Unlike me, Dan had additional layers of resentments that were completely outside of my experience:
How could his wife be drinking when he was working such a good program in Alcoholic’s Anonymous?
How could an alcoholic not see his wife was struggling before it took him by surprise?
He had been able to gain sobriety - why was she not able to stay sober (Dan admitted he did not find sobriety in his first attempt either).
And what we both found the most interesting - if she is able to gain sobriety, does it somehow lesson his accomplishments?
Both Dan and I know that this last one is crazy - but after all, this is a crazy disease!
Fortunately for Dan and his wife - they have both embraced the recovery community in our area.
Dan gets to work through his issues as the family member who loves an alcoholic in Al-Anon. He has an outlet to work through his resentments and to be supportive instead of destructive as it relates to his wife’s recovery.
Dan takes a completely different mindset when he is in our meeting than he does when he is in Alcoholic’s Anonymous.
Both are for his recovery - both allow him to lead a better life.
Both programs give him a unique set of tools to work through his defects of character - to learn to love himself so he can be there to support his wife in a loving healthy way.
Dan’s wife has the fortune of having a loving community of recovery supporting her as well.
Like Dan and like me - Dan’s wife may fall back into destructive behaviors. She now has the tools to help dig herself out.
My conversation with Dan cemented my belief that alcoholism and addiction are family diseases that require family recovery.
Although my experience and Dan’s are dissimilar in some ways - my experience tells me that if the family gets involved in recovery - Al-Anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, ect., the family can recover. The family can grow stronger - there is hope if you are willing to put in the work.
The following are quotes pertaining to tolerance from Courage To Change - One Day At A Time In Al-Anon II:
“An earnest and concentrated study of the Al-Anon program, in depth, will help us to become more tolerant, confident, and loving, teaching us to accept the faults of others as we seek to correct shortcomings in ourselves.” The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage
“You grow up the day you have the first real laugh - at yourself.” Ethel Barrymore
Would you like to have your experience and words of encouragement posted?
Send me your thoughts: support@lovinganalcoholic.com
As I will leave each post; If you, or someone you know, loves an alcoholic or addict, I would encourage you to find a local Al-Anon 12 step meeting to attend. This is your first step towards healing.
