One of the difficulties in writing a Blog like Loving An Alcoholic is managing through the limitations of the web-tools available.

On this particular site - one of the limitation’s I have found is with the inclusion of “comments” to my posts.

The process to add a comment isn’t as intuitive as I would like - and when added - isn’t the most obvious.

I’d like to share a comment provided on my last post - I think it is important to see other’s perspective.

I’ll also leave instructions for how to add a comment at the bottom of this post (which becomes much easier once you have completed registration) and I’ll highlight your comment in future posts if you care to leave one.

Today’s comment is from Lisa Frederiksen of Breaking The Cycles.com from the April 2nd post: “Easy Does It - Gaining Perspective Through Recovery Slogans”

“Reading Al Anon literature has helped me tremendously over the years.

The index can be a lifesaver, as well — when a particular problem, detachment, for example, is bothering me, I can look up all of the readings on that issue and often find clarity as to what I want to do next.

The slogans are also hugely helpful.

They help me jar my “thinking” from the fight-or-flight part of my brain and move it to the “thinking part” of my brain from where I can then respond instead of react.

Thanks for this post.”

You may recall Lisa’s name from a previous book review on Loving An Alcoholic.

Excerpt:

Lisa Frederiksen uses her decades-long experiences of coping with family alcoholism and alcohol abuse in her journey to free herself of its life-robbing consequences as the back-drop to her seventh book.

If You Loved Me You’d Stop! weaves in and out of personal narrative, factual information and provides easy to understand scenarios that are all too familiar with those affected by a loved one’s drinking.

Instructions for adding a comment to Loving An Alcoholic:

Option 1.

At the bottom of the post you would like to comment on:

Click on “No Comments” or “Post Comment”
Click on “Logged In”
Click on “Register”
Enter “User Name” and “Password”
Click “Register”
A pass word will be e-mailed to you.
Cut and paste your password into the sign on screen with your user name.
Click “Log In” and check “Remember Me”
Leave your reply at the bottom of the post
Click “Submit Comment”

Once you have registered and clicked “Remember Me” you shouldn’t need to go through this process again.

Option 2.

On the right hand side of the site is the “Wall”
Once you’ve registered, you can also leave comments in this section.

If you would prefer, you can also send me an e-mail to have your experience and words of encouragement posted.

Send me your thoughts: support@lovinganalcoholic.com

******PLEASE INDICATE IN YOUR EMAIL IF YOU WOULD LIKE YOUR THOUGHTS POSTED******

As I will leave each post; If you, or someone you know, loves an alcoholic or addict, I would encourage you to find a local Al-Anon 12 step meeting to attend. This is your first step towards healing.

Alcoholism - The complexities of understanding both sides of the family disease.

My wife is the alcoholic in my life.

I understand the peaks and valleys of emotion that go along with loving an alcoholic.

I recognize that my story is similar to that of other’s who have family members or loved one’s that are alcoholics or addicts.

I can relate to other codependents who feel they need to be in control - to fix - or everything will fall apart.

I appreciate hearing stories of hope and encouragement along with the personal growth that goes along with recovery - recovery of the family member or loved one coping with an other’s alcoholism or addiction.

What I don’t have experience in is the view from the other side. That of the alcoholic or addict. To add an additional layer of complexity - or that of an alcoholic or addict coping with alcoholism or addiction of their loved one.

I was discussing this with a friend of mine last week. I was interested in how an alcoholic, who is intimately familiar with the disease, copes with a loved on who is struggling with sobriety.

With permission, I’m going to share some insight I gained through this conversation with my friend Dan K.

I’ve known Dan for a few years now, that is, as a member of Al-Anon. It wasn’t until recently that I realized Dan was also a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. Dan had struggled with alcoholism and has a little over 8 years of sobriety.

The alcoholic in Dan’s life is his wife, who has struggled with sobriety but for today - she is sober.

Listening to Dan, segments of his story are similar to mine - others are unique due to his previous experience with alcoholism and addiction.

Dan and I both felt we could fix our loved ones.

If we only loved them more, made their lives easier, showed them the path, forced them into recovery.

We both saw our resentments grow as these attempts ended in failure.

Unlike me, Dan had additional layers of resentments that were completely outside of my experience:

How could his wife be drinking when he was working such a good program in Alcoholic’s Anonymous?

How could an alcoholic not see his wife was struggling before it took him by surprise?

He had been able to gain sobriety - why was she not able to stay sober (Dan admitted he did not find sobriety in his first attempt either).

And what we both found the most interesting - if she is able to gain sobriety, does it somehow lesson his accomplishments?

Both Dan and I know that this last one is crazy - but after all, this is a crazy disease!

Fortunately for Dan and his wife - they have both embraced the recovery community in our area.

Dan gets to work through his issues as the family member who loves an alcoholic in Al-Anon. He has an outlet to work through his resentments and to be supportive instead of destructive as it relates to his wife’s recovery.

Dan takes a completely different mindset when he is in our meeting than he does when he is in Alcoholic’s Anonymous.

Both are for his recovery - both allow him to lead a better life.

Both programs give him a unique set of tools to work through his defects of character - to learn to love himself so he can be there to support his wife in a loving healthy way.

Dan’s wife has the fortune of having a loving community of recovery supporting her as well.

Like Dan and like me - Dan’s wife may fall back into destructive behaviors. She now has the tools to help dig herself out.

My conversation with Dan cemented my belief that alcoholism and addiction are family diseases that require family recovery.

Although my experience and Dan’s are dissimilar in some ways - my experience tells me that if the family gets involved in recovery - Al-Anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, ect., the family can recover. The family can grow stronger - there is hope if you are willing to put in the work.

The following are quotes pertaining to tolerance from Courage To Change - One Day At A Time In Al-Anon II:

“An earnest and concentrated study of the Al-Anon program, in depth, will help us to become more tolerant, confident, and loving, teaching us to accept the faults of others as we seek to correct shortcomings in ourselves.” The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage

“You grow up the day you have the first real laugh - at yourself.” Ethel Barrymore

Would you like to have your experience and words of encouragement posted?

Send me your thoughts: support@lovinganalcoholic.com

As I will leave each post; If you, or someone you know, loves an alcoholic or addict, I would encourage you to find a local Al-Anon 12 step meeting to attend. This is your first step towards healing.

As I’ve mentioned in previous posts; prior to the realization that my wife was an alcoholic, I really had no first hand experience in what being an alcoholic meant exactly.

The only alcoholism I knew was the TV version.

Remember Otis Cambell from the Andy Griffith show? Seemed harmless. Otis would go on a bender, stumble into the police station, make a funny scene and then go to sleep.

I’m sure growing up there was an after school special that attempted to capture the experience but it is hard to wrap up the true fear and pain that goes along with the disease in a 30 minute show.

Even if a show can capture the behavior of an alcoholic or addict, it is rare to capture the recovery process and set backs of the person suffering from the disease, let alone the family.

photo credit: B Rosen

I think I became most critical of the Hollywood version of alcoholism when I watched the movie When a Man Loves a Woman™ with Meg Ryan and Andy Garcia.

First, I have to say I thought this was a really good movie. In some aspects, When a Man Loves a Woman™ captures the insanity of active alcoholism, the codependency and difficulty in understanding that go along with those of us who love an alcoholic or addict.

Even though I feel this is is a really good movie, at the end of the day it is the Hollywood version - 30 minutes of spiraling out of control, 45 minutes of recovery, 15 minutes of happily ever after.

It probably doesn’t help that after I watched When a Man Loves a Woman™ with my wife, she relapsed - something Meg Ryan was able to avoid. My experience was real. Meg Ryan and Andy Garcia’s - Hollywood.

It wasn’t until my wife turned me on to A&E’s Intervention™ that I saw, broadcasted, a realistic view of the destruction and struggle that accompany alcoholism and addiction.

Not only for the alcoholic or addict but also for the family and loved ones. What draws me to Intervention™ is that it is not always happy ever after. The shows are realistic - some who are featured embrace recovery and work a program, others don’t and go back to being active again.

At the end of every show there is an update. The person that slipped 6 months ago may now have 6 months of sobriety. The person that embraced recovery on the initial broadcast may have relapsed last week.

The show is a realistic portrayal of the experiences that I have become familiar with in this journey.

From the website: http://www.aetv.com/intervention/

Intervention™ is a powerful and gripping television series in which people confront their darkest demons and seek a route to redemption.

The Intervention Television series profiles people whose dependence on drugs and alcohol or other compulsive behavior has brought them to a point of personal crisis and estranged them from their friends and loved ones.

Each Intervention episode ends with a surprise intervention that is staged by the family and friends of the alcohol or drug addict, and which is conducted by one of three Intervention specialists: Jeff VanVonderen, Candy Finnigan and Ken Seeley.

Intervention™ raises awareness about the alternatives and treatment options available to those who suffer from an alcohol or drug addiction, and gives hope to families who have nowhere left to turn.

If you are struggling with an addiction, and need help call 1-800-662-HELP.

Do you have a topic you would liked discussed on Loving An Alcoholic? Would you like to have your experience and words of encouragement posted?

Send me your thoughts: support@lovinganalcoholic.com

As I will leave each post; If you, or someone you know, loves an alcoholic or addict, I would encourage you to find a local Al-Anon 12 step meeting to attend. This is your first step towards healing.

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