One of the difficulties in writing a Blog like Loving An Alcoholic is managing through the limitations of the web-tools available.

On this particular site - one of the limitation’s I have found is with the inclusion of “comments” to my posts.

The process to add a comment isn’t as intuitive as I would like - and when added - isn’t the most obvious.

I’d like to share a comment provided on my last post - I think it is important to see other’s perspective.

I’ll also leave instructions for how to add a comment at the bottom of this post (which becomes much easier once you have completed registration) and I’ll highlight your comment in future posts if you care to leave one.

Today’s comment is from Lisa Frederiksen of Breaking The Cycles.com from the April 2nd post: “Easy Does It - Gaining Perspective Through Recovery Slogans”

“Reading Al Anon literature has helped me tremendously over the years.

The index can be a lifesaver, as well — when a particular problem, detachment, for example, is bothering me, I can look up all of the readings on that issue and often find clarity as to what I want to do next.

The slogans are also hugely helpful.

They help me jar my “thinking” from the fight-or-flight part of my brain and move it to the “thinking part” of my brain from where I can then respond instead of react.

Thanks for this post.”

You may recall Lisa’s name from a previous book review on Loving An Alcoholic.

Excerpt:

Lisa Frederiksen uses her decades-long experiences of coping with family alcoholism and alcohol abuse in her journey to free herself of its life-robbing consequences as the back-drop to her seventh book.

If You Loved Me You’d Stop! weaves in and out of personal narrative, factual information and provides easy to understand scenarios that are all too familiar with those affected by a loved one’s drinking.

Instructions for adding a comment to Loving An Alcoholic:

Option 1.

At the bottom of the post you would like to comment on:

Click on “No Comments” or “Post Comment”
Click on “Logged In”
Click on “Register”
Enter “User Name” and “Password”
Click “Register”
A pass word will be e-mailed to you.
Cut and paste your password into the sign on screen with your user name.
Click “Log In” and check “Remember Me”
Leave your reply at the bottom of the post
Click “Submit Comment”

Once you have registered and clicked “Remember Me” you shouldn’t need to go through this process again.

Option 2.

On the right hand side of the site is the “Wall”
Once you’ve registered, you can also leave comments in this section.

If you would prefer, you can also send me an e-mail to have your experience and words of encouragement posted.

Send me your thoughts: support@lovinganalcoholic.com

******PLEASE INDICATE IN YOUR EMAIL IF YOU WOULD LIKE YOUR THOUGHTS POSTED******

As I will leave each post; If you, or someone you know, loves an alcoholic or addict, I would encourage you to find a local Al-Anon 12 step meeting to attend. This is your first step towards healing.

Am I moving forward in recovery or falling back into codependency?

I often find myself wrestling with thoughts about where I am in recovery.

When I agree to something I’m indifferent about, is it because I’m truly indifferent or am I falling back into codependent patterns?

photo credit: jeffkAm

When a family member or friend appears to need help, by inserting myself into the situation, am I truly helping them or I am doing what comes natural to me - fixing and controlling?

Where is the balance?

How do I know that I have found it?

These are the questions I ask myself that show I’m missing the point.

When I struggle with finding the answer - I’m forcing my will into the situation.

Instead of taking a step back and listening to my Higher Power’s will, I’m trying too hard to control the outcome.

It’s times like theses that I really need to clear my head, slow things down and listen.

I have a choice - I can either insert myself into every situation around me or I can let things unfold.

I’ve tried inserting myself into every situation - that is the controlling side of me, the codependent. This approach often leads to frustration and resentments.

When I let things unfold, let my Higher Power’s will play out - I am usually pleasantly surprised.

Even if things don’t go exactly as I would have wanted, I haven’t given my energy away, the resentments aren’t there.

Step 3 of the 12 steps reads; made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.

The question I should be asking myself isn’t whether or not I’m on the path of recovery or slipping back into codependency - I should be asking myself if I’m practicing Step 3.

If I am, the rest will take care of itself.

What I like about my recovery program is that it is about progress and not perfection.

I will undoubtedly fall back into old behaviors from time to time. The difference today is that I have the tools to keep moving forward - to being a healthier me.

Do you have a topic you would liked discussed on Loving An Alcoholic?

Would you like to have your experience and words of encouragement posted? Send me your thoughts:

 support@lovinganalcoholic.com

As I will leave each post; If you, or someone you know, loves an alcoholic or addict, I would encourage you to find a local Al-Anon 12 step meeting to attend.

This is your first step towards healing.

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The path of recovery, for me, includes attending Al-anon meetings and reading literature. Lots and lots of reading. It is this process that allows me to get my head in the right place.

My recovery program also requires self discovery and the willingness to accept my shortcomings.

After all it is my personal shortcomings or defects of character that sidetrack me from being the person I want to be - happy, healthy and loving.

It is the pulling back of the layers of the onion - all of the little white lies I tell myself to make me believe that I am the person I want to be. Instead of the little white lies, to truly be the person I want to be, I should make an honest assessment of myself and work to make the necessary changes.

photo credit: Autumn Welles

Prior to starting my recovery through Al-anon, I wouldn’t have known what codependency was. As I attended more and more meetings, I found that many of the stories - many of the personalities were similar to mine.

I kept hearing these personality traits refered to as codependent but wasn’t real thrilled that I had become a label. To me, I felt that being a - insert label - was a bad thing and I wasn’t a “bad” person.

Well, the reality is that being codependent doesn’t make me a “bad” person, just the opposite, my character defect drives me to go out of my way to be a “good” person - to a point that it is a detriment to me and those who “depend” on me.

I decided to do some research on what exactly codependency means. Conceptually I had a grasp, through discussion, but I never actually heard this label defined.

Codependence or codependency is a concept popularized by 12 step program advocates ( guess that’s why I hadn’t heard of the concept prior to attending Al-anon).

A codependent  is loosely defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for persons who depend on him or her (yep, that sounds familiar).

Codependence can also be a set of compulsive behaviors learned by family members in order to survive in a family which is experiencing great emotional pain and stress caused, for example, by a family member’s alcoholism or other additions (if only I take better care of the kids, keep the house cleaner, take the stress of my wife - maybe she’ll stop drinking!).

Symptoms of codependency include a controlling behavior (check), distrust, perfectionism (check), avoidance of feeling (check - unless you mean irritability - that is a feeling I don’t avoid!), excessive care taking (check), hypervigilence (yep - check), or physical illness related to stress (been there - check).

So now I know what codepence is - now what?

Step 3 of the 12 steps of Al-anon and Alcoholics Anonymous provides me some guidance;

“Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him”.

I don’t need to be the controlling, hypervigilant perfectionist I’ve described. I need to take a step back, to chill out a bit and give my family and loved ones the respect they deserve and the opportunity to achieve and fail on there own.

It takes work to pull back the layers of the onion - to make an honest assessment of yourself. It also takes work to correct years of “bad” behaviors - but those corrections can be made if I start today.

Do you have a topic you would liked discussed on Loving An Alcoholic? Would you like to have your experience and words of encouragement posted?

Send me your thoughts: support@lovinganalcoholic.com

As I will leave each post; If you, or someone you know, loves an alcoholic or addict, I would encourage you to find a local Al-Anon 12 step meeting to attend. This is your first step towards healing.

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