Well, it looks like a lot of Loving An Alcoholic readers were really able to relate to my last post; “Seeing Characteristics of Alcoholism or Addiction in Your Child.

I received more e-mails pertaining to this post than any other topic to date.

It seems that many of us who have lived through coping with an active alcoholic have had similar exeriences in seeing the characterisitics of our alcoholic loved one in our children.

The key to keeping our sanity is in how we deal with this perception.

I wanted to share with you a comment provided by Lisa Frederiksen of Breaking The Cycles.com  from the May 2nd post:

“Seeing Characteristics of Alcoholism or Addiction in Your Child”

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Your post really struck a cord with me.

I was so worried that my children would make the same mistakes I’d made, and I was so caught up in the insanity of trying to cope with my loved ones’ active alcoholism (which, in and of itself, causes one to focus on everyone else in an attempt to control the situation), that I was constantly on them.

All with good in intentions, but when I started my own recovery for the family side (i.e., codependency) of this family disease, I realized that the repeated subliminal messages of my “just trying to help” efforts were, “I don’t think you can do this,” “I don’t trust your judgment,” “I know what’s best for you,” “What you’re doing is not good enough.”

Though never stated directly, these were the messages that rang through as I tried various ways of manipulating my children to do what I thought was in their best interest.

But, as you’ve so beautifully said in your post, “What I can’t do is control the decisions my children will make throughout their lives.

By understanding what is driving my reactions to my son’s behaviors - I can put my feelings in perspective and remind myself that for today, everything is alright.” By me finally making this shift myself (and it took some time and a lot of slips), the relationship I now share with my children and the growth I’ve seen in them has been astounding.

Thanks for your post!!

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You may recall Lisa’s name from a previous book review on Loving An Alcoholic.

Excerpt: Lisa Frederiksen uses her decades-long experiences of coping with family alcoholism and alcohol abuse in her journey to free herself of its life-robbing consequences as the back-drop to her seventh book. If You Loved Me You’d Stop! weaves in and out of personal narrative, factual information and provides easy to understand scenarios that are all too familiar with those affected by a loved one’s drinking.

Would you like to have your experience and words of encouragement posted?

Send me your thoughts: support@lovinganalcoholic.com

******PLEASE INDICATE IN YOUR EMAIL IF YOU WOULD LIKE YOUR THOUGHTS POSTED******

As I will leave each post; If you, or someone you know, loves an alcoholic or addict, I would encourage you to find a local Al-Anon 12 step meeting to attend. This is your first step towards healing.

Loving An Alcoholic has a pretty diverse following:

Those who love an alcoholic or addict - and - alcoholics & addicts.

Today, I thought I would share a little humor for all - enjoy!

Jokes for the codependent - these tend to hit a little too close to home for me (maybe they aren’t that funny after all!):

• Q: What do you call a codependent who says “no” and doesn’t feel guilty? A: Healthy
• You’re codependent for sure when you get kicked off jury duty for insisting that you’re the guilty one.
• Q: Why did the codependent cross the road? A: To help the chicken make a decision.
• Did you hear about the codependent who flunked geography? He couldn’t distinguish any boundaries.
• You know you’re codependent if you find yourself in a rut - and move in furniture.
• Q: Why does a codependent buy two copies of every self-help book? A: One to read and one to pass on to someone who really needs it.
• You’re codependent for sure if, when you die, someone else’s life flashes in front of your eyes.
• Q. What does a codependent have in common with God? A. They both have a plan for your life.

Don’t take them too seriously, but here are some indications that you just might need to consider Alcoholics Anonymous:

• You have awakened with an overwhelming feeling that you should go back and apologize… but you don’t remember where.
• The Tipsy Taxi service has banned you from all its vehicles.
• People consider your spouse a Saint for reasons that totally escape you.
• The last time you had a legal driver’s license, so did Ted Kennedy.
• You bought your current pick-up truck because it has a cool place to hide a six pack.
• “But Officer, it’s been a long time since I tried to say my ABC’s!”
• All of your old friends are now members of 12-step groups.
• You know for certain that putting your foot on the floor does not stop the room from spinning.
• Your insurance agent drops by and mentions your policy does cover treatment centers.
• The producers of the television program COPS still send you Christmas cards.

Would you like to have your experience and words of encouragement posted?

Send me your thoughts: support@lovinganalcoholic.com

******PLEASE INDICATE IN YOUR EMAIL IF YOU WOULD LIKE YOUR THOUGHTS POSTED******

As I will leave each post; If you, or someone you know, loves an alcoholic or addict, I would encourage you to find a local Al-Anon 12 step meeting to attend. This is your first step towards healing.

Alcoholism - The complexities of understanding both sides of the family disease.

My wife is the alcoholic in my life.

I understand the peaks and valleys of emotion that go along with loving an alcoholic.

I recognize that my story is similar to that of other’s who have family members or loved one’s that are alcoholics or addicts.

I can relate to other codependents who feel they need to be in control - to fix - or everything will fall apart.

I appreciate hearing stories of hope and encouragement along with the personal growth that goes along with recovery - recovery of the family member or loved one coping with an other’s alcoholism or addiction.

What I don’t have experience in is the view from the other side. That of the alcoholic or addict. To add an additional layer of complexity - or that of an alcoholic or addict coping with alcoholism or addiction of their loved one.

I was discussing this with a friend of mine last week. I was interested in how an alcoholic, who is intimately familiar with the disease, copes with a loved on who is struggling with sobriety.

With permission, I’m going to share some insight I gained through this conversation with my friend Dan K.

I’ve known Dan for a few years now, that is, as a member of Al-Anon. It wasn’t until recently that I realized Dan was also a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. Dan had struggled with alcoholism and has a little over 8 years of sobriety.

The alcoholic in Dan’s life is his wife, who has struggled with sobriety but for today - she is sober.

Listening to Dan, segments of his story are similar to mine - others are unique due to his previous experience with alcoholism and addiction.

Dan and I both felt we could fix our loved ones.

If we only loved them more, made their lives easier, showed them the path, forced them into recovery.

We both saw our resentments grow as these attempts ended in failure.

Unlike me, Dan had additional layers of resentments that were completely outside of my experience:

How could his wife be drinking when he was working such a good program in Alcoholic’s Anonymous?

How could an alcoholic not see his wife was struggling before it took him by surprise?

He had been able to gain sobriety - why was she not able to stay sober (Dan admitted he did not find sobriety in his first attempt either).

And what we both found the most interesting - if she is able to gain sobriety, does it somehow lesson his accomplishments?

Both Dan and I know that this last one is crazy - but after all, this is a crazy disease!

Fortunately for Dan and his wife - they have both embraced the recovery community in our area.

Dan gets to work through his issues as the family member who loves an alcoholic in Al-Anon. He has an outlet to work through his resentments and to be supportive instead of destructive as it relates to his wife’s recovery.

Dan takes a completely different mindset when he is in our meeting than he does when he is in Alcoholic’s Anonymous.

Both are for his recovery - both allow him to lead a better life.

Both programs give him a unique set of tools to work through his defects of character - to learn to love himself so he can be there to support his wife in a loving healthy way.

Dan’s wife has the fortune of having a loving community of recovery supporting her as well.

Like Dan and like me - Dan’s wife may fall back into destructive behaviors. She now has the tools to help dig herself out.

My conversation with Dan cemented my belief that alcoholism and addiction are family diseases that require family recovery.

Although my experience and Dan’s are dissimilar in some ways - my experience tells me that if the family gets involved in recovery - Al-Anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, ect., the family can recover. The family can grow stronger - there is hope if you are willing to put in the work.

The following are quotes pertaining to tolerance from Courage To Change - One Day At A Time In Al-Anon II:

“An earnest and concentrated study of the Al-Anon program, in depth, will help us to become more tolerant, confident, and loving, teaching us to accept the faults of others as we seek to correct shortcomings in ourselves.” The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage

“You grow up the day you have the first real laugh - at yourself.” Ethel Barrymore

Would you like to have your experience and words of encouragement posted?

Send me your thoughts: support@lovinganalcoholic.com

As I will leave each post; If you, or someone you know, loves an alcoholic or addict, I would encourage you to find a local Al-Anon 12 step meeting to attend. This is your first step towards healing.