Last night I attended my Friday night Al-Anon meeting.

We typically pick a random topic from Courage to Change, One Day at a Time in Al-Anon II. At the first meeting of the month, we read passages from the step that corresponds to the month we’ve just entered.

For May, that would be Step 5.

Step 5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being, the exact natures of our wrongs.

Prior to my turn at reading (I read page page 159), I really didn’t have any pressing issues I felt needed to be discussed.

I’d had a pretty good week - I was able to keep life’s stresses at bay and was generally pleased with the way I’d carried myself since my last meeting.

What I love about attending Al-Anon is reading a passage to the group, having no idea what emotions will be exposed and learning something new about myself. To me, the purpose of Step 5 is to be honest with myself about who I am - to look inside and share what I find with another person.

The sharing is what allows me to move on - to put my issues into perspective. Once I’m able to articulate the thoughts swirling around in my head - they don’t seem nearly as bad.

The paragraph that struck me from page 159 is as follows:

“The order of these words, placing God first, then myself, and then someone else struck, me. So often I have been vaguely aware of some truth in my life that I was unwilling to admit to myself. Yet my Higher Power had already place that thought in my mind. He must have - if I’m trying to ignore it, I surely didn’t put it there.”

I started thinking about that vague nagging thought that enters my head from time to time - the one that makes me go into “fix-it” mode before there is anything to fix.

This thought has to do with my son.

I find myself to be a very hands on dad (confession from a recovering co-dependent). There is obviously nothing wrong with being hands on as long as it is coming from the right place.

Where I find myself going into overdrive is when this vague thought creeps in - the one my Higher Power has given me to interpret.

The thought is when I look at my son in certain situations, although he has never had a drink or tried drugs, I see an alcoholic or addict.

I see the characteristics and behaviors in my teen that I saw in my wife when she was active. To a muted extent - I see the same reactions in myself - the enabling, negotiating, justifying, avoiding.

Why would my Higher Power put this thought into my mind? Why would page 159 be my reading?

Although I had no pressing issues when I entered my Friday Al-Anon meeting - I was happy to have the opportunity to share this thought with the group and work through how I handle this going forward.

What I found, when I looked inside, was that I was trying to place controls to fix a problem that had not occurred and may never occur - all the time creating friction where there was no need to do so.

Will my son, or daughter for that matter, struggle with alcoholism or addiction? I pray they don’t.

However, through Al-Anon I know this is out of my control - I can only control myself and my reactions.

I can keep healthy through attending meetings, looking closer at myself and leveraging the experience within the walls of Al-Anon.

I can show my children the right path through my example - however, I can’t force them to take my lead.

Through living a recovery lifestyle with my wife - I can remind them of the path if they fall. They have grown up in this community and it will be there if they ever need it.

What I can’t do is control the decisions my children will make throughout their lives.

By understanding what is driving my reactions to my son’s behaviors - I can put my feelings in perspective and remind myself that for today, everything is alright.

Would you like to have your experience and words of encouragement posted?

Send me your thoughts: support@lovinganalcoholic.com

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As I will leave each post; If you, or someone you know, loves an alcoholic or addict, I would encourage you to find a local Al-Anon 12 step meeting to attend. This is your first step towards healing.

When I find that I am not feeling myself - it always helps me to read some recovery literature.

It never ceases to amaze me that if I pick a random daily reading - it seems to fit what is going on in my life.

Lately I’ve been feeling the pressures of a busy schedule, family and work.

I’m sure I’m not alone in this.

As I start to feel overwhelmed - I find myself being less productive.

I feel as if I’m just treading water - not really sinking but definitely not moving forward.

I ask myself what it is that I need to do to get out of this funk.

Simple - carve out a little time where I can focus on myself, read a little and try to apply what I have learned to what is troubling me.

Tonight, I’ve been reading from Courage To Change - One Day At A Time in Al-Anon II. I turned to the April 2nd reading on page 93 which is about the slogan “Easy Does It”.

How appropriate for what I’m feeling right now.

Today’s daily reading reminds me that when I’m not feeling well, I need to be okay with taking it easy - with being gentle to myself.

I can push myself when I’m feeling on my game but when my body or soul is telling me something - I need to be willing to slow things down - to listen.

On the days that I slow down - I always feel a certain level of guilt. I wander if I take it easy today - will this become a trend? Will everything around me start to fall apart?

Sometimes, when I take a step back and gain a little perspective, I just laugh at the way my mind works - if I take a day or two off, slow it down, not be productive the world may come to a grinding halt?

Ha! Of course not - I need to get over myself.

When I think about the slogan “Easy Does It” - (okay, I have to admit the first thing I think about is the mud flap on a tractor trailer - but that isn’t too inspirational) it reminds me to take a breath - to lighten up a bit.

I won’t be feeling this way forever - when I’m back to the old me - that is when I should start to push myself again.

Today’s quote:

“Improving our own attitudes, and our own state of minds, take time. Haste and impatience can only defeat our purposes.” - This is Al-Anon.

Would you like to have your experience and words of encouragement posted?

Send me your thoughts: support@lovinganalcoholic.com

As I will leave each post; If you, or someone you know, loves an alcoholic or addict, I would encourage you to find a local Al-Anon 12 step meeting to attend. This is your first step towards healing.

******PLEASE INDICATE IN YOUR EMAIL IF YOU WOULD LIKE YOUR THOUGHTS POSTED******

Alcoholism - The complexities of understanding both sides of the family disease.

My wife is the alcoholic in my life.

I understand the peaks and valleys of emotion that go along with loving an alcoholic.

I recognize that my story is similar to that of other’s who have family members or loved one’s that are alcoholics or addicts.

I can relate to other codependents who feel they need to be in control - to fix - or everything will fall apart.

I appreciate hearing stories of hope and encouragement along with the personal growth that goes along with recovery - recovery of the family member or loved one coping with an other’s alcoholism or addiction.

What I don’t have experience in is the view from the other side. That of the alcoholic or addict. To add an additional layer of complexity - or that of an alcoholic or addict coping with alcoholism or addiction of their loved one.

I was discussing this with a friend of mine last week. I was interested in how an alcoholic, who is intimately familiar with the disease, copes with a loved on who is struggling with sobriety.

With permission, I’m going to share some insight I gained through this conversation with my friend Dan K.

I’ve known Dan for a few years now, that is, as a member of Al-Anon. It wasn’t until recently that I realized Dan was also a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. Dan had struggled with alcoholism and has a little over 8 years of sobriety.

The alcoholic in Dan’s life is his wife, who has struggled with sobriety but for today - she is sober.

Listening to Dan, segments of his story are similar to mine - others are unique due to his previous experience with alcoholism and addiction.

Dan and I both felt we could fix our loved ones.

If we only loved them more, made their lives easier, showed them the path, forced them into recovery.

We both saw our resentments grow as these attempts ended in failure.

Unlike me, Dan had additional layers of resentments that were completely outside of my experience:

How could his wife be drinking when he was working such a good program in Alcoholic’s Anonymous?

How could an alcoholic not see his wife was struggling before it took him by surprise?

He had been able to gain sobriety - why was she not able to stay sober (Dan admitted he did not find sobriety in his first attempt either).

And what we both found the most interesting - if she is able to gain sobriety, does it somehow lesson his accomplishments?

Both Dan and I know that this last one is crazy - but after all, this is a crazy disease!

Fortunately for Dan and his wife - they have both embraced the recovery community in our area.

Dan gets to work through his issues as the family member who loves an alcoholic in Al-Anon. He has an outlet to work through his resentments and to be supportive instead of destructive as it relates to his wife’s recovery.

Dan takes a completely different mindset when he is in our meeting than he does when he is in Alcoholic’s Anonymous.

Both are for his recovery - both allow him to lead a better life.

Both programs give him a unique set of tools to work through his defects of character - to learn to love himself so he can be there to support his wife in a loving healthy way.

Dan’s wife has the fortune of having a loving community of recovery supporting her as well.

Like Dan and like me - Dan’s wife may fall back into destructive behaviors. She now has the tools to help dig herself out.

My conversation with Dan cemented my belief that alcoholism and addiction are family diseases that require family recovery.

Although my experience and Dan’s are dissimilar in some ways - my experience tells me that if the family gets involved in recovery - Al-Anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, ect., the family can recover. The family can grow stronger - there is hope if you are willing to put in the work.

The following are quotes pertaining to tolerance from Courage To Change - One Day At A Time In Al-Anon II:

“An earnest and concentrated study of the Al-Anon program, in depth, will help us to become more tolerant, confident, and loving, teaching us to accept the faults of others as we seek to correct shortcomings in ourselves.” The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage

“You grow up the day you have the first real laugh - at yourself.” Ethel Barrymore

Would you like to have your experience and words of encouragement posted?

Send me your thoughts: support@lovinganalcoholic.com

As I will leave each post; If you, or someone you know, loves an alcoholic or addict, I would encourage you to find a local Al-Anon 12 step meeting to attend. This is your first step towards healing.