It is good to be back!

I’ve spent most of the last 10 days away from my computer, on vacation, recharging myself.

Over the next few days I will be posting letters from the in-box and then will resume with regular post later on next week. The first letter I found,while working through e-mails,is from our regular guest writer - Steve C.

Through reading Steve’s posts - you can see how gaining a little perspective, looking at the world a little different and having the support of recovery literature and the recovery community can turn a life around.

Half  Measures Feels like Failure to an Alcoholic

Hello there, My name is Steve C., a grateful alcoholic who happens to be blind as well. I went blind from a surgery that went bad in prison back in 1997. I’ve Been sober since November of 1996. So only had a few months of sobriety before the surgery.

Talk about a wrong time to stop drinking.

Believe it or not, being in prison was a blessing for me. There was no liquor store on the corner to drown my feelings with as situations were effecting me - so I had a good start at being sober while inside I was freaking out bad!

My story is like a lot of us who didn’t grow up with any knowledge of dealing with life on life’s terms.

My drunken feelings would run a muck. I felt I had to always run the show - do everything and feel everything. I never actually finished anything I started and did a lot of nothing in the process. Jack of all trades, master of none.

I never completed anything constructive, or helpful for anyone. I was so into myself- into denial of my sickness.

I thought I was doing a great thing for my fellow Americans selling dope. Looking at all of the alcohol adds everywhere, heck, I figured everyone else did it so I didn’t see the harm.

Even bringing dope across the border I thought; “This is good for my finances and my friends will really love me.” Well, the finances got better, but the friendship was only there when I had the dope sack and paid the bar tabs - only then it seemed I had friends.

So you sort of see, I always go the extra mile in over doing everything that was not constructive. I didn’t know how to do the right thing because nobody taught me what the true right thing was.

I had to learn a new way of thinking. To act like everything I do in Life makes a difference - it does!

Being blind, in prison and sober I suffered a lot from depression. One thing though that made me feel better was a feeling that came after a victory, completion accomplishment, a satisfaction in finishing something good.

Here is a story of over doing a thing the wrong way; I was arrested for possession, and distributing…Pot. So I go to prison of course. I go into the prison and the vocational director gives me a vocation - green house management skills! How to grow stuff! So get this - they put me in hydroponics so I can grow it faster! Now that tells me either you don’t have to be too bright to be in the Department of Corrections or they were teaching me how to grow dope faster to catch me faster.

After the Oklahoma City bombing happened, the Director of Parks from OKC requested inmates to come to the Oklahoma Capital to set up a major display of landscapes. I went to OKC and participated in a work release program where I lived for 6 months while I worked on the landscaping. I was paid seven dollars a month - that’s right, seven dollars a month for the huge job we were doing. My friend and I went out back to the woods on D.O.C. grounds and planted our first Marijuana plant, with the Skills they taught me in green house management.

Now Kids, don’t try to do this at home or on D.O.C. grounds with out parents permission. Smile.

Four months later we came back to the woods to see how my growing skills took and was greeted by and 7 foot marijuana plant. Needless to say, we became the most popular guys in the facility.

Talk about over doing it in a bad way.

So you see, I had the want to do - but No direction to do awesome things. I wanted the attention - but the wrong attention.

That was in summer of 1996. I was never caught. Never the less I was sent back up the ladder to minimum security facility - I was actually grateful. This was November 6, 1996 - the date I started my recovery.

I was at that point getting sick of tired of being always sick and tired.

I started reading the Big Book and the Bible together while I was locked up trying to learn how to be an asset to God and others.

I learned something I never wanted to learn - patience.

Patience has nothing to doing with waiting - I thought it did. Patience is the behavior I practice while I’m waiting. Hmm….for instance, while I am waiting I practice patience which is; staying-power, diligence, serenity, lacking complaint, persistence, trusting and acceptance. Wow, never heard that one! As I started this practice - things started to slow down in my head. I was able to think better thoughts. I learned to wait well, instead of wait bad.

Get it?

My life got easier even though life still had the same situations being thrown at me.

The first thing I needed to learn was how to get out of my cell without help from another person. I wanted to be able to use the bathroom when I wanted to - so the institution gave me an walking cane.

Not a mobility cane which is almost 2 feet longer. I told them I do not have an hip problem but a sight problem - they didn’t care. I must have looked like a goof bending over and poking at the ground to touch the grass and the side walk to find my way to the church, gym, school house, canteen, medical and more. But dog gone it I did it and who cared how I looked! I felt awesome doing it without help - inmates started looking at me with a little respect.

I wasn’t playing the pity poor me’s. Great feeling it was.

When I was let out of prison, (my dad was alive at that time) I noticed his door was in bad shape and needed to be replaced. So I sat back for a day to ponder this. Hmm, I’m blind yet I have the desire to do this. Can I do this? How would I do this? What would I need to do this job? So I started on another adventure of stepping out of my comfort zone and into doing the right thing first - b simply thinking first. I put up a brand new door, drilled both of the holes for the new door knob and dead bolt locks, aligned it and chiseled out the areas for the new hinges. Now it took me four hours instead of one like most people - but I did it and it is perfect. I sat back and pondered a long while about my little victory while being blind. Heck, I can do most anything if I first put my mind to it - plan, prepare then execute with patience in tow. Hmmm What A concept!

Another example of planning, preparing then executing…

I have this huge garage and needed a long sturdy table but I didn’t want to buy one or pay someone to build it. So I thought long and hard about this - instead of rushing into it. I used a braille ruler, notched grooves into the wood I wanted to cut, lined the circular saw to the groove then turned on the saw and cut it. It took me about five hours but I built a 9 foot long, 4 foot high and 2 foot wide table. Sturdy enough that it can hold me and my wife on it.

My father in-law, who loves construction, was so amazed he bought me a huge table saw. I do build a lot of stuff with that table saw.

I know what you are thinking - yes, I still have all my fingers! This is because I first plan, prepare then execute my plan - and I treat that saw with respect. I think every time I turn the saw on - my neighbors take odds on whether or not this will be the day I cut something more than wood. Smile.

I built an 7 foot lattice wall that goes around my hot tub and decking which turned out perfect. You see, when I first start to learn something, practice patience with perseverance and think on it- I can do most anything even being blind. If you get a chance, you can look at my pictures on previous guest post posted on Loving An Alcoholic.

To me, completion, victory, accomplishments, achievements, goal setting and finishing is like the feeling alcohol gave me back in the day. I feel I can conquer most anything and that I’m ten feet tall. There are unlimited things a person can do to feel this - Just Think on it!

Right makes might!

The most authentic thing about humans are our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love and to be greater than our suffering.

We can learn a new Language, learn a new musical instrument, clean the house better than you have before, start a new flower bed, start an exercise program, learn a new skill, start a new hobby or collection. read a new book, listen to different types of music you may not use to.

You can read AA literature or Bible and finish it from cover to cover. Start a new trade, go back to school even if it is just for a new a vocation, like learning computer skills. You be the creative one - take charge of your new life!

A final short story;

I used to get bags of free donuts from Starbucks when I was working in a drug center. I searched for a way to get out of my comfort zone - do some good. At night I would go across the street to my neighbors,or next door or around the corner. I would figure out how to find their door so I could hang the bag of donuts on the door knob - I would then leave.

Bet they never thought a blind guy would do that! The attention I was looking for was my God’s approving. I never told them it was me. I never let the left hand know what the right hand is doing.

Brother James once told me that what I do in secret God will exalt me openly. How I mentally handle the situation, stress free, worry free, care free, anxious free with trust that this is what God wants me to do so He will help me do it.

Good Stuff???

Enjoy Life!

Thanks.

Write me Please if you want. fire242@sbcglobal.net

Would you like to have your experience and words of encouragement posted?

Send me your thoughts: support@lovinganalcoholic.com

******PLEASE INDICATE IN YOUR EMAIL IF YOU WOULD LIKE YOUR THOUGHTS POSTED******

Well, it looks like a lot of Loving An Alcoholic readers were really able to relate to my last post; “Seeing Characteristics of Alcoholism or Addiction in Your Child.

I received more e-mails pertaining to this post than any other topic to date.

It seems that many of us who have lived through coping with an active alcoholic have had similar exeriences in seeing the characterisitics of our alcoholic loved one in our children.

The key to keeping our sanity is in how we deal with this perception.

I wanted to share with you a comment provided by Lisa Frederiksen of Breaking The Cycles.com  from the May 2nd post:

“Seeing Characteristics of Alcoholism or Addiction in Your Child”

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Your post really struck a cord with me.

I was so worried that my children would make the same mistakes I’d made, and I was so caught up in the insanity of trying to cope with my loved ones’ active alcoholism (which, in and of itself, causes one to focus on everyone else in an attempt to control the situation), that I was constantly on them.

All with good in intentions, but when I started my own recovery for the family side (i.e., codependency) of this family disease, I realized that the repeated subliminal messages of my “just trying to help” efforts were, “I don’t think you can do this,” “I don’t trust your judgment,” “I know what’s best for you,” “What you’re doing is not good enough.”

Though never stated directly, these were the messages that rang through as I tried various ways of manipulating my children to do what I thought was in their best interest.

But, as you’ve so beautifully said in your post, “What I can’t do is control the decisions my children will make throughout their lives.

By understanding what is driving my reactions to my son’s behaviors - I can put my feelings in perspective and remind myself that for today, everything is alright.” By me finally making this shift myself (and it took some time and a lot of slips), the relationship I now share with my children and the growth I’ve seen in them has been astounding.

Thanks for your post!!

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You may recall Lisa’s name from a previous book review on Loving An Alcoholic.

Excerpt: Lisa Frederiksen uses her decades-long experiences of coping with family alcoholism and alcohol abuse in her journey to free herself of its life-robbing consequences as the back-drop to her seventh book. If You Loved Me You’d Stop! weaves in and out of personal narrative, factual information and provides easy to understand scenarios that are all too familiar with those affected by a loved one’s drinking.

Would you like to have your experience and words of encouragement posted?

Send me your thoughts: support@lovinganalcoholic.com

******PLEASE INDICATE IN YOUR EMAIL IF YOU WOULD LIKE YOUR THOUGHTS POSTED******

As I will leave each post; If you, or someone you know, loves an alcoholic or addict, I would encourage you to find a local Al-Anon 12 step meeting to attend. This is your first step towards healing.

Last night I attended my Friday night Al-Anon meeting.

We typically pick a random topic from Courage to Change, One Day at a Time in Al-Anon II. At the first meeting of the month, we read passages from the step that corresponds to the month we’ve just entered.

For May, that would be Step 5.

Step 5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being, the exact natures of our wrongs.

Prior to my turn at reading (I read page page 159), I really didn’t have any pressing issues I felt needed to be discussed.

I’d had a pretty good week - I was able to keep life’s stresses at bay and was generally pleased with the way I’d carried myself since my last meeting.

What I love about attending Al-Anon is reading a passage to the group, having no idea what emotions will be exposed and learning something new about myself. To me, the purpose of Step 5 is to be honest with myself about who I am - to look inside and share what I find with another person.

The sharing is what allows me to move on - to put my issues into perspective. Once I’m able to articulate the thoughts swirling around in my head - they don’t seem nearly as bad.

The paragraph that struck me from page 159 is as follows:

“The order of these words, placing God first, then myself, and then someone else struck, me. So often I have been vaguely aware of some truth in my life that I was unwilling to admit to myself. Yet my Higher Power had already place that thought in my mind. He must have - if I’m trying to ignore it, I surely didn’t put it there.”

I started thinking about that vague nagging thought that enters my head from time to time - the one that makes me go into “fix-it” mode before there is anything to fix.

This thought has to do with my son.

I find myself to be a very hands on dad (confession from a recovering co-dependent). There is obviously nothing wrong with being hands on as long as it is coming from the right place.

Where I find myself going into overdrive is when this vague thought creeps in - the one my Higher Power has given me to interpret.

The thought is when I look at my son in certain situations, although he has never had a drink or tried drugs, I see an alcoholic or addict.

I see the characteristics and behaviors in my teen that I saw in my wife when she was active. To a muted extent - I see the same reactions in myself - the enabling, negotiating, justifying, avoiding.

Why would my Higher Power put this thought into my mind? Why would page 159 be my reading?

Although I had no pressing issues when I entered my Friday Al-Anon meeting - I was happy to have the opportunity to share this thought with the group and work through how I handle this going forward.

What I found, when I looked inside, was that I was trying to place controls to fix a problem that had not occurred and may never occur - all the time creating friction where there was no need to do so.

Will my son, or daughter for that matter, struggle with alcoholism or addiction? I pray they don’t.

However, through Al-Anon I know this is out of my control - I can only control myself and my reactions.

I can keep healthy through attending meetings, looking closer at myself and leveraging the experience within the walls of Al-Anon.

I can show my children the right path through my example - however, I can’t force them to take my lead.

Through living a recovery lifestyle with my wife - I can remind them of the path if they fall. They have grown up in this community and it will be there if they ever need it.

What I can’t do is control the decisions my children will make throughout their lives.

By understanding what is driving my reactions to my son’s behaviors - I can put my feelings in perspective and remind myself that for today, everything is alright.

Would you like to have your experience and words of encouragement posted?

Send me your thoughts: support@lovinganalcoholic.com

******PLEASE INDICATE IN YOUR EMAIL IF YOU WOULD LIKE YOUR THOUGHTS POSTED******

As I will leave each post; If you, or someone you know, loves an alcoholic or addict, I would encourage you to find a local Al-Anon 12 step meeting to attend. This is your first step towards healing.